El Fin

So this is my final post. I apologize for being so late....but it was really hard to not just jump right back into my American life. However, I can’t really leave my blog without a close, now can I? Well let’s see. Home. Half of my time back in California so far has been catching up with friends and family and remembering how to drive and cook and all that jazz. The other half was spent trying to process the last four months I’ve been blessed to have abroad. 

La Mezquita in wintertime

In this past week or so of being home, every single person has asked me the same question, “How was Spain?” It has quickly become my most favorite and my most hated question. Favorite because I absolutely LOVED my time in Spain, and I am more than happy to share about my experience. But, it’s also hated because it is impossible to truly answer that question in a couple sentences. I literally need hours or even days to explain. 

After leaving Córdoba for the last time, I went to Spain’s capital, Madrid, for a day and that is where it started to hit me that my semester abroad had really come to a close. I would get to go home to see my friends, but I wasn’t going to be living with my wonderful Spanish family anymore. I wouldn't have to speak in a different language anymore, I wasn’t going to get to go to a different country each weekend anymore, and I wasn’t going to get to go to tapas bars anymore. However, I was going to get to return to my family, my friends, my macaroni and cheese....my home. But the biggest thing: I wasn’t going to be isolated anymore because I was going back to community. And this, I think, marks the biggest thing that God has taught me in the past 4 months. He put me in an environment where I got to be Mary, and not Martha (Luke 10:38-41).

Córdoba is a place where God took me out of schedules, out of deadlines, and out of just plain busyness. You wouldn’t beLIEVE how much free time I had. For the first time in my life, I was able to take 4 hour naps just because I wanted to, not because I was so exhausted that I needed to. Ridiculous, I know. But even more than that, that is where God showed me how beautiful isolation and silence really can be. Why? Because in that environment, I got to have Jesus all to myself, and I could freely give Him all of me. No distractions. No excuses. I hated that it felt so selfish at first. It was like I didn’t want to do anything else. It didn’t seem right that I wasn’t full force trying to be a witness or an example or you know, something I'm supposed to do. But I was quickly shown that it wasn’t selfishness at all...because it wasn’t about me, and it’s never going to be. It’s about the desperation that for the first time I could clearly recognize because there was nothing else to do. Desperation to know Christ. And His desperation to respond. 

This is my basic conclusion (I realize it’s long, but hey, I had four months!). God is frustrating. He is pushy. He makes me uncomfortable....a lot. And there are times when I just don’t like Him very much. I love Him all the time, but there are some days when all I can say is, “God, I just don’t like you very much right now.” And that is perfectly okay; He is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. It means that it is a genuine relationship. In this pushing and prodding and challenging and changing, I’ve learned that these frustrations are rooted in this natural unwillingness I have to change the way I define things to the way God defines them. His version of “normal” isn’t mine. His definition of “perfect” isn’t mine. The way He describes “good” isn’t exactly like mine. And the way He is “love” is more than I will ever be able to comprehend. And you know what? His version is always better. Everything He is oozes grace and mercy and it’s frustrating to me because sometimes it is just plain obvious that it isn’t deserved. But God isn’t about “who deserves this” and “who deserves that.” He is about “who can I love today.” Plain and simple. I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to take on His perspective of the world and attempting to completely ditch my own. Allowing God to annoy me has opened my eyes to see how much I need Him. How much I absolutely HAVE to be defined by Him. Because if I didn’t have Him and I didn’t give Him free reign over my life, I would not be able to live. Seriously. Our relationship is real. I depend on Him more than I depend on the oxygen in the air to breathe. And while I may mess up (a lot), I’m not broken any more. He’s already cleaned me up. So now I’m going to go and be free and live for my favorite Jesus. He loves people...and He loves me. So I think I’m just going to have to get out there and do something about it. 

I just couldn't resist!